The Day is Done

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Universe Revolves Around this Guy

Biola University has an online network known as bubbs, which stands for Biola University Bulletin Board Service. Through bubbs, each student has the ability to create a resume, which amounts to a personal webpage. A few months ago, I encountered the most narcissistic bubbs resume I have ever seen. If I cared enough to give it more serious thought, I might conclude that it is the most narcissistic thing I’ve ever seen...period.

Anyway, the resume begins with a self-portrait. The drawing (which overflows with the artist’s passion and attention to detail towards...well...himself) is followed by one of many pithy quotations dripping with insight. Who is the artist quoting? You guessed it—himself.

But surely his quotations have to be about something other than him, right? Maybe they’re about wisdom or justice. Guess again, dear reader. The profundities that fall from the lips of this egotistical maniac are often about himself! For instance, the first of his many quotations reads as follows: “Some people spend their whole life trying to be someone. I've spent my whole life trying to be myself.”

Notice first the poor grammar in this nugget of wisdom. The transition from people (plural) to someone (singular) is both palpable and painful. Second, once you clear away the fog of affected erudition, realize that his quotation boils down to one of the most trite, overused sayings in pop-psychology: “Just be yourself.” Thanks, Confucius. Never heard that one before.

There are no two ways about it. This egotistical maniac must be stopped before he hurts any innocent bystanders or (heaven forbid) himself.

Following the self-portrait and quotation, you will find a psychological safari, in which the author contemplates the pressing questions in life, such as “So who am I?” The answers are just as intriguing. Consider this:

“Well, I'm not sure if I can really answer that question.
You see.....
Who I am is a rather complicated subject,
Especially since I'm not exactly sure who myself really is.
So if you want to get to know me,
Feel free to ask me to a meal.
I hear Denny's is a great place to eat.”

Wait a second. You’re telling me if I take you out to a restaurant, you’ll regale me with an elaborate explanation of the complicated subject matter that is you? How can I say “no”?

After propositioning his readers to take him out to a meal, the author thrills his audience even more with a list of personal details.

Then come more “quotes that have some umph.” Just when you think you’ve had far too much “umph” from this guy, he brings a tear to your eye and a quiver to your lips with moving statements, such as, “Sometimes it hurts to wait. And sometimes you have to wait because it hurts."

Sigh. The Sphinx must be so proud.

Some of you are probably sitting at your computer thinking to yourselves, “What if this guy finds this blog post? Won’t he be hurt?” Don’t worry, dear readers, for I have already considered this. Our author is so self-absorbed that I imagine he would go into throws of ecstasy to find that someone, other than himself, was writing about him.

By writing this post, I have undoubtedly secured myself the position of being this individual’s best (not to mention, only) friend.

1 Comments:

  • I've followed this guy's resume since his first year at Biola. I guess I have to say that sometimes it's easy to read. And sometimes it's ready to be funny.

    By Blogger Andrew Bailey, at 6:58 PM  

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